"MAC"

    Today marks the one year anniversary of my daughters death. It sounds odd to say anniversary. I've always associated the word with a joyous occasion, and this day is far from joyous. It's hard to believe I haven't seen her in a year. It seems like only a short time ago she was hobbling up my front steps with a big brace on her leg and an even bigger smile on her face. A short stop on her journey through the foster care system to be placed with relatives in North Carolina. As it turned out she had found her forever home, with us. So our journey began.
     Mac and I went through a lot together and if I had to do it all over again just to be her mom I would. As heartbreaking as it turned out the joy she brought to our family is something none of us will ever forget. Oh don't get me wrong it wasn't always joyous, Mac had her quirks.
     I'll never forget her feeling of accomplishment when she cleaned the kitchen and cleared all the countertops. She was beaming as I frantically looked for the mail I had gotten that day. “Oh I threw all the junk mail out and even had the boys take the trash out.” Oh shit I said and ran to get rubber gloves and a flashlight. Along with my junk mail Mac threw out a $900.00 check, and I never let her forget it. After a while it funny but not while I was pawing through garbage in the middle of the night. Or her annoying “Hmm” at the end of every sentence. It drove us all crazy and we ragged on her about it, she would just  giggle and "Hmm." But I would give almost anything to hear it one more time.

     The things I have thought about over the past year has made me laugh and cry. Mac had such a kind heart and a good soul. Once she gave up her ameego at the grocery store to a woman who in her words, was so overweight she'd probably have a heart attack if she had to walk. This was right before her hip replacement so I know she was in pain.
     Mac never felt sorry for herself, never asked "why me", she just accepted her life and what God gave her. She was the epitome of strength and perseverance and she was my hero.
     A few days before she died she wanted to party! She asked for wine and cheese. "You realize I haven't had wine in 9 months?" While Lyndsay ran to the liquor store I dusted off the only wine glass I owned, which was purchased for me as a gift from the dollar store. After consuming a glass and a half she put her hand to her mouth and said "I might get sick, Shannon you won't make fun of me will you?" We all chuckled and I held her puke bucket (something we always kept handy). After getting rid of her wine and wiping off her mouth she looked at me with a smile and said, "Mom that was the best wine I have ever had." Made my heart happy.
     Deep down I knew it was just a matter of time before her body racked with cancer would need to rest. I kept shoving it to the back of my mind, making promises to God and praying to him not to take my daughter. My once very active and strong girl whose strength could pull her up a rock wall with her finger tips could barely hold a glass. A foodie with no interest in eating, the social butterfly who wanted to be alone, although in this house no one is ever alone. A steady stream of brothers and sisters kept her company as the pain meds did very little to ease her pain. But through it all she kept that beautiful smile trying to reassure us she was fine.
     On her last night I sat next to her holding her hand, talking to her and finally I told her the words she needed to hear, that I would be O.K. She shooed me away with a wave of her hand so I told her it was time for her meds and went to get them. In that short time she made her transition, not wanting me to be there. In the end she was still thinking of others.

How I see McKayla in Heaven, leading the pack with a big smile on her face