"MAC"

    Today marks the one year anniversary of my daughters death. It sounds odd to say anniversary. I've always associated the word with a joyous occasion, and this day is far from joyous. It's hard to believe I haven't seen her in a year. It seems like only a short time ago she was hobbling up my front steps with a big brace on her leg and an even bigger smile on her face. A short stop on her journey through the foster care system to be placed with relatives in North Carolina. As it turned out she had found her forever home, with us. So our journey began.
     Mac and I went through a lot together and if I had to do it all over again just to be her mom I would. As heartbreaking as it turned out the joy she brought to our family is something none of us will ever forget. Oh don't get me wrong it wasn't always joyous, Mac had her quirks.
     I'll never forget her feeling of accomplishment when she cleaned the kitchen and cleared all the countertops. She was beaming as I frantically looked for the mail I had gotten that day. “Oh I threw all the junk mail out and even had the boys take the trash out.” Oh shit I said and ran to get rubber gloves and a flashlight. Along with my junk mail Mac threw out a $900.00 check, and I never let her forget it. After a while it funny but not while I was pawing through garbage in the middle of the night. Or her annoying “Hmm” at the end of every sentence. It drove us all crazy and we ragged on her about it, she would just  giggle and "Hmm." But I would give almost anything to hear it one more time.

     The things I have thought about over the past year has made me laugh and cry. Mac had such a kind heart and a good soul. Once she gave up her ameego at the grocery store to a woman who in her words, was so overweight she'd probably have a heart attack if she had to walk. This was right before her hip replacement so I know she was in pain.
     Mac never felt sorry for herself, never asked "why me", she just accepted her life and what God gave her. She was the epitome of strength and perseverance and she was my hero.
     A few days before she died she wanted to party! She asked for wine and cheese. "You realize I haven't had wine in 9 months?" While Lyndsay ran to the liquor store I dusted off the only wine glass I owned, which was purchased for me as a gift from the dollar store. After consuming a glass and a half she put her hand to her mouth and said "I might get sick, Shannon you won't make fun of me will you?" We all chuckled and I held her puke bucket (something we always kept handy). After getting rid of her wine and wiping off her mouth she looked at me with a smile and said, "Mom that was the best wine I have ever had." Made my heart happy.
     Deep down I knew it was just a matter of time before her body racked with cancer would need to rest. I kept shoving it to the back of my mind, making promises to God and praying to him not to take my daughter. My once very active and strong girl whose strength could pull her up a rock wall with her finger tips could barely hold a glass. A foodie with no interest in eating, the social butterfly who wanted to be alone, although in this house no one is ever alone. A steady stream of brothers and sisters kept her company as the pain meds did very little to ease her pain. But through it all she kept that beautiful smile trying to reassure us she was fine.
     On her last night I sat next to her holding her hand, talking to her and finally I told her the words she needed to hear, that I would be O.K. She shooed me away with a wave of her hand so I told her it was time for her meds and went to get them. In that short time she made her transition, not wanting me to be there. In the end she was still thinking of others.

How I see McKayla in Heaven, leading the pack with a big smile on her face

   

The Nobody Wants To Join Club

On September 14, 2017 I was involuntarily admitted to "The Club." The club no mother ever wants to be a part of. The one every mother has heard about, had nightmares about and prayed everyday since becoming a parent they would never have to join. The membership is high, the entrance fee is astronomical and the dues are required everyday for the rest of your life. There are no meeting, no formal gatherings or pot lucks, no president or secretary. You don't even meet the other members, but you know their story. It's the same one that got you admitted, they lost a child. Whether it was from birth or their child was an adult, the pain is the same. Accidental, suicide, health related, it's doesn't matter. You will never see your child again, and you will forever have a broken heart.
People have said that I have to cherish my memories and I do. I thank God everyday for them, but I wanted more. I'm kind of selfish in that way. I wanted to see my daughter get married, buy a house, have children, but instead I planned her funeral.

Her unforgettable smile!

WHAT I LEARNED FROM SCHOOL THIS YEAR

Well once again I made it through the school year, but I'm not going to say, "Oh where has this year went?" Today I am saying, "Thank the Lord I made it through without going to jail!"

This sure has been an educational year for me filled with lots of  frustration and tears. I guess the old saying is true, you're never to old to learn. Although I prefer, you can't teach an old dog new tricks.

First let me say I am an advocate for my children's education. I keep in contact with all their teachers, I let the them know their strengths and weaknesses, I attend parent/teacher conferences, I help with homework and check grades everyday, go on field trips and volunteer if they need me. So I am involved, maybe too much for some teachers.

So here's my top 10 list of new tricks I learned:

 1. Core anything SUCKS, it doesn't matter what the answer is, it's how you got it that counts.

 2. Just because they say it, doesn't mean it's true.

 3. Never and I mean never defend yourself, stand there and get punched or run screaming down the hall.

 4. Even though you were punished for breaking the rules and paid your dues you will continue to be punished.

 5. There's a lot of smoke being blown on school property even though it's not allowed.

 6. There's no funding for students with a 504 so the school doesn't really enforce it, unless you make some noise.

 7. There is lots of assistance if it's a state test and reflects on the school

 8. Some teachers lie.

 9. Some teachers are so wonderful at their job they deserve way more credit than they get.

10. Just because you have a degree in teaching it doesn't make you a teacher.

Now before anyone gets mad at me and says I'm being too hard on teachers I completely understand. Teaching is a selfless job and they continue to work long after the school day ends. They have many children in their classes not just mine. I can see if I were a parent that didn't think getting an education was important, but I do. I expect my kids to do their best and respect the teachers, in exchange I expect the same from the teachers. Respect that my child may not learn the same way as every other child in your class. Respect the fact that everyday will not be a good day for my child. Respect the fact that they do not like having a learning disability anymore than you like having to deviate from the rest of the class to help them individually. Respect the fact that I am their parent and if I need to ask you a question don't get defensive, just help me to understand. Finally please don't patronize me and say things you think I want to hear. Because whether you like it or not I am not going away. As long as my child needs help I will be there.

If I don't stand up for my child who will?

In the schools defense, they pink slipped the horrible teacher!!

NO EXCUSE

I am deviating from my normal blog entry to write totally about myself, please "bare" with me!!

Well I am going to let you in on a little secret, I had a minor medical procedure done yesterday, it was a colonoscopy. Doesn't the sound of this word make you want to squeeze your butt cheeks together? Well it sure did me. I was suppose to have this done six years ago but kept putting it off. The mere thought of what was involved made me shudder. I know everyone kept telling me it wasn't bad.
But the pictures in my mind told me otherwise:

Naked with my butt in the air for all the world to see and probably laugh at. What if they let other people in to see me? Worse yet what if they used me to train future gastroenterologists while I was sleeping? Well not happening, I definitely wasn't ever going to do that.

It was bad enough having to get a pelvic exam only to be told everything was okay. So why put myself through unnecessary tests when I felt fine?

A few months ago I made an appointment to see my primary care doctor for some blood work and joint aches. He thought hell had frozen over since I hadn't been to see him in 6 years. Then was concerned because I was there. I told him I was fine, I'm always fine. I really don't have the time to be sick so why see him if I wasn't. I get my flu shots at the pharmacy and weather through the rest. That's when he scolded me like a small child for not getting my colonoscopy 6 years before. With a history of colon cancer in my family he told me I was playing "Russian Roulette". Even without a history I was still in the game. So I promised to make the appointment and he promised to hunt me down if I didn't keep it.

This takes me to Monday morning. My appointment was scheduled for Tuesday at 11:15 A.M.
My breakfast that morning was coffee no cream,tea, hard candy, pop, broth, Kool-Aid, sports drink or any other liquids that was not red, purple or pink. Yum is all I can say.

My lunch that day was the same.

At 3:00 P.M. I was to take two stool softeners with water, no big deal. At 5:00 P.M. I was to mix an entire bottle of Miralax powder (which doesn't effect the taste) to a 64 ounce bottle of  Gatorade.
 My kids thought I was the luckiest person in the whole world because I get to drink that great big bottle of blue Gatorade all by myself. Yes I would have been the luckiest person if I happened to like Gatorade, which wasn't the case.
So I choked down the first bottle and spent the rest of the evening on a fast trot to the bathroom, and being thoroughly impressed that my stomach wasn't really as fat as I thought it was.

Tuesday morning at 5:30 I had to drink yet another doctored up 64 ounce Gatorade and have it gone by 7. Well I managed all but about 10 ounces which just flabbergasted my kids who then reminded me I was wasting perfectly good Gatorade. Which prompted me to offer it to them with a warning of urinating from the rectum shortly after consumption. And surprisingly no takers!!

Upon arriving at the clinic I was taken to the prep area and given a large beautiful open back nightgown of heavy gage cotton and a paisley print. This is when my blood pressure went up and my heart began to race. Why had I agreed to do this? I am going to be in the most embarrassing situation of my life.
After a little bit of a wait I was taken down the hall. Just before entering the procedure room the nurse anesthetist asked a few questions then looked at me with concern and said, "You have cirrhosis of the liver"? Chuckling I said, "The girl who asked all the questions about my history is new, no I don't have cirrhosis I have psoriasis, she just spelled it wrong". With a sigh of relief she shoved me through the door.

Well here I go to land of embarrassment.

I was hooked up to a heart monitor, a pulse ox and blood pressure cuff. Okay here it goes, they are going to pull back the gown and expose me for everyone to see and probably laugh.
Well it didn't go quite that way.

I was asked to lie on my side while the nurse monitored my modesty to the utmost respect, making sure I was completely covered and comfortable. The doctor spoke to me remembering my face as he put it from years earlier when I would take my friend to her appointments with him. He promised to take good care of me and the next thing thing I remember was waking up. I was done, I still had my dignity and no one was pointing and laughing at me. I can't believe I put this off for so many years putting myself and my health at risk. It was easier than getting my tooth filled. After a bit the doctor came to talk to Steve and I and assured us I was, "As beautiful on the inside as I was on the out".

I guess what I want to say is this was the easiest test I ever took. Minus of course the Gatorade, which for some people won't be a problem. I seriously can't believe I worked myself up so bad that it took me 6 years to have this done. If you're of that age and are contemplating whether or not it is worth the embarrassment (as I thought) just do it. I could not have done it and maybe somewhere down the line when I decided it was time I could have been to late given my family history.

So go for it, I just can't believe I thought my butt was so much different than every other person who had this done!!

MY LEARNING FOR THE YEAR

Well as like every other year I knew this day was inevitable. The final day of the 2013-2014 school year. Had my hopes up for a while, with all the snow days I thought I would get another week anyway. But thanks to the school officials they tweaked the days. Turned half days to full, added a couple of minutes to the school days and managed to end it a few days earlier than expected. Yay them!!

This past school year had definitely been a real learning experience for me. I have become very proficient in 7th grade 1st semester math. However I had a little trouble with the 2nd semester, I don't quite understand the new math concepts. And can honestly say in my entire life I have never had to utilize what they are teaching.

Then comes the foreign language. Under the guidelines set forth by the great state of Michigan, every child who intends to graduate must take two years of a foreign language. This was never a prerequisite for me to graduate. I think they are just trying to get our kids in trouble. For instance if your kid speaks Spanish and you don't how can we eavesdrop on private conversations our kids are having with their friends? They could be plotting a party or an outing totally against the rules and we would never know. They could be talking crap about us and we would be totally in the dark. So I believe the foreign language is a ploy to turn our kids against us.

I am however an excellent listener, 20 minutes of reading, times 7 kids everyday has opened my world to the new and exciting adventures of  Junie B. Jones and The Diary of a Wimpy Kid.

And lets not forget the subject that can really make us all feel old, history. Some of the stuff our kids read in their history books we lived it. To see the look of surprise on their faces that we actually remember details and input information that is not in the book really messes with my mind.

So I enter this summer break with a new outlook. As this last day of school quickly comes to an end I can honestly saw I am smarted than I was last year. I may not be able to do the math but I can buy Rosetta Stone and learn Spanish to there won't be any plotting at my house!!

The last line.

The last step of the year.

The Chameleon

As most of you know that reads my blog our family is made up of a wondrous array of children. Some  being a mixed race of Caucasian and African American. Most of the children came to us as infant either from the new born nursery, neonatal intensive care and pediatric I.C.U. So of course we have lots of photos of the children from the time they were very young. In our experience the children of mixed race we adopted were very light skinned for the first year or so.

A few days ago as the kids and I were looking through some old pictures we came across some of Deebo (aka Tyler) as a toddler. Joey looked at the pictures and said, "Hey Deebs you look really white". To which he replied nonchalantly , "Yea, my other mother was really white". End of conversation.

This morning he started a new one with me just before the bus got here:

Deebo: Hey mom where's that picture of me when I was a baby?

Me: In the closet, why?

Deebo: Oh just because.

Me: Deebo, really why do you want the picture?

Deebo looking at me with a sheepish grin: Well I wanted to show my friends at school.

Me: A picture of you when you were a baby?

Deebo: No I wanted to show them I used to be white, I told them but they don't believe me!!

Enough said!

MY CHRISTMAS LIST

Well it's that time of year again, shopping, shopping and more shopping, for me that is. And it is also the time when my husband and kids ask "So, what do you want for Christmas"? I give the same answer every year,
"I really don't need anything". And I don't. Everything I need I usually buy throughout the year....undie, bras, tennis shoes, towels and anything else that happens to wear out. But the truth is if I told you what I really wanted you would be totally mortified. So as this Christmas fast approaches I am going to mortify you all. The Christmas list most moms want but are afraid to ask for.

I want peace on earth, that's a given or at least peace between the kids for a couple of hours when they are awake. I also would like my boobs bigger than my stomach. The hair on my head to grow as fast as the hair on my chin and the hair on my legs to grow as slow as the hair on my head. My butt in the butt position and not behind my knees. My liver spots to be located on my liver and not on my face. My cheek at mid-face and not at the jaw line. One potty break without interruptions. A full nights sleep without a dog or kids in my bed. Long eyelashes, long fingernails and longer legs. Smaller pant size, bigger bra size and be able to see small print without have to stretch my arms out, tip my head back and squint my eyes. And last but not least
total bladder control (something men take for granted).

So heres the list, fill if you can or at least have a good laugh on my behalf like I do everytime I look in the mirror. I always wonder how that old lady of 55 can feel so young, but I guess age is just a number, a few wrinkles and some body morphing.

So Merry Christmas everyone and enjoy the holidays with the ones that don''t care what the package looks like, it's what's inside that counts.